Yet, your child said “no.” Your child argued. He sighed and rolled his eyes. She stood still and stared at you.
Now what?
Now that you have a power and control issue on your hands, where do you go from here?
Now, you raise your voice, put on your serious eyebrows, draw yourself to your full mama-bear height and issue an order, right? How’s that working out?
I believe submission to authority is important. We teach our kids to obey.
However, I can imagine that if my husband were to use the above tact with me–to demand that I obey him right now, no questions asked–we might have some issues. I would feel disrespected and unloved.
Instead, my husband is proactive. He loves me the way I “hear” love, and I’m happy to serve him. He talks to me about his priorities, about the direction we’re headed as a team.
Homeschooling Tips and Ideas for Overcoming Resistance
I recently spent some time talking to a group of homeschool mamas about how to overcome homeschool resistance. Grab a cup of tea or coffee, and let’s talk about my best homeschool tips and tricks to set you on the path to homeschool success.
Homeschooling Tips and Ideas | Three Ways to Overcome Homeschool Resistance
An Apple a Day Keeps Homeschool Resistance at Bay
Preventative medicine makes a lot of sense. We take vitamins, eat well and exercise to help ward off disease. That doesn’t mean we never get sick, but it does mean our bodies are better prepared to deal with crisis.
Parenting intentionally is a little bit like preventative medicine.
When we do the hard work of relationship building and character training up front, we end up with better results on the back end. A solid, loving relationship with our children solves many of the problems before they ever occur.
If our kids know we love them, know how much we value their service, know why we value their education, they are far more likely to cooperate.
Those conversations are much more difficult to have when our children have drawn a line in the sand–refusing to obey.
Preventative Parenting
Some of the things I’ve found which help reduce arguing, four strong-willed kids into this parenting deal:
- Daily physical exercise. It doesn’t seem to matter what time of day, as long as they run, swim, etc for at least an hour a day.
- They know they’re loved. In their love language. This generally requires some degree of effort on the part of the parent. If you haven’t read The 5 Love Languages of Children, I highly recommend checking it out. It’s an excellent resource.
- We allow some degree of autonomy. Our kids get to make choices throughout the day–even if it’s as simple as choosing which book to read first, or between two lunch options.
- We’re respectful in our tone and words. “Would you please take out your math? Thank you; I appreciate your quick response.” Kids mirror the way their parents treat them.
- We always praise for good behavior and response time. It is so much easier to praise than to correct. Our kids are going to seek our attention somehow. I’d prefer to give my attention willingly and to edify.
- Limited screen time. We allow an hour a day of screen time (usually coding work)–and no video games. This is vastly different than how we parented with our first two, and it makes a HUGE difference in attitude. Video games or extended TV time had such a negative impact on our home, that we decided to try a new tact. It’s been at least 15 years, and we haven’t missed it at all. In fact, my husband and I stopped watching TV altogether five years ago, though we still watch the occasional movie. We seem to be nicer as well–and our relationship is stronger.
- Character training. We proactively teach character when it’s NOT an issue. We read Christian biographies, work on Bible Road Trip™ (and therefore read through Scripture every three years), spend time in family worship, etc. This helps strengthen their character for later–when it IS an issue.
Urgent Care: In the Heat of the Homeschool Moment
So, it’s true that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Yet, only the most pliant child (I’ve never met one) will never have a defiant moment. The strong-willed child will likely struggle with resistance daily at first.
I like to remind myself that strong-willed kids are the ones that say “no” to drugs and vandalism. They’re the kids that take a stand–the kids that lead. A strong will is an asset–a gift from God.
The difficulty arises when we try to bend the strong will without breaking it.
I find it beneficial to remember that my job description is to help my children become functional, godly adults. That helps me keep my own emotions out of the way, so I’m not surprised or upset when they do argue. They will argue, and it’s not about me.
Defiance, arguing, and rebellion are heart issues. I want my kids to obey, the first time, with cheerfulness. If that’s not happening, the issue is based in their heart. Though there are moments that obedience must take place right now, I’d much prefer to work with my child on his heart and its effect on his life.
When our kids were young, we found it helpful to have our kids take “breaks” until they could try a given task again with a right heart. Sometimes those breaks (which consist of sitting on the floor in the middle of a room) could take a really long time. When our child was ready to discuss the issue with a contrite heart, he was welcome to approach us, discuss his behavior, obey, and rejoin family life.
The breaks were a relief to all of us. Our children obeyed quicker, with a better attitude, and–over time–took fewer (and shorter) breaks.
The breaks allowed me to lecture less, allowing the break to be the consequence. The children got the message. Ed and I read about giving the kids breaks in the excellent book by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, Parenting is Heart Work.
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Training our kids up to be the delightful adults they are meant to be is a lot of work. We’ve found that laying the foundation with a strong relationship and a structured home is worth the effort.
In tough moments of guiding, teaching, and discipling our kids for Jesus, we strive to do our job parenting with kind hearts, set right with the Lord by our own preventative medicine. We stay in the Word, pray, and build empathy for our small people by spending time and energy loving on them.
How do you deal with defiance? What is your best tactic?
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Bible Road Trip™ is a three-year Bible survey curriculum. Take your family through the Bible five times from preschool to high school.
To help you get the most out of your studies, Bible Road Trip™ has an array of coordinating weekly activities:
- Researching the section of the Bible you’re studying
- Reading and discussing the Bible
- Memorizing Scripture
- Notebooking about your studies
- Praying for the nations
- Suggestions for further study
- Crafting about what you’ve learned
- For your older students: A project to share what they’ve learned
- Bible Road Trip™ also has some great tools you can use along with it, such as:
- Notebooking Journals for grades 1-9. Want a structured notebooking journal for high school? Don’t hesitate to use the Dialectic journal (grades 7-9).
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This is great food for thought and I liked most of the ‘preventative’ parenting strategies but I’m not sure about your ‘time out’ strategy. It does work for you but it seems too much to me like passive-aggressive coercion, some kind of exclusion strategy. If they could go and read or take time for themselves in a way they enjoy but that is limiting in that they are meant to be thinking about their behaviour perhaps this would be OK. So far with my young kids ‘the look’ usually works so I’m not the expert at all! Thanks again for blogging on this.
Thanks for your comment. I know that consequences are always (always) controversial among parents. I do think that consequences are occasionally necessary. However, I think of our “breaks” less as a consequence and more as a forced contemplation time with the Holy Spirit. It is during those breaks that I pray for my children’s hearts, and it is during those breaks that they have time to contemplate their behavior, pray, and soften their own hearts. I’ve found the breaks to be a really good thing for all of us. It gives us time to calm down, think, and pray.
However, the bottom line is: If you refuse to participate in our family in a constructive manner, you may not participate in the benefits of the family either. You may sit alone and think.
In the beginning, we spent a lot of time on break. Now, it’s rare. We’re not yelling, demanding, or forcing. We’re allowing our kids space to deal with their own hearts. They return contrite and repentant, able to discuss their situation. I feel good about that.
What do you think about allowing them time to deal with the Holy Spirit?
~Danika
I love how you said during your “breaks” you pray for your child’s heart. I love that! It never even crossed my mind to do that. Thank you! My oldest is almost 2.5 and we’ve just begun with the challenges. I really appreciate your post
Joanna,
Prayer is a must! I really think that discipleship should be our ultimate goal. That requires relationship, leadership, and lots and lots of prayer! You’re at a fun and vital age… the time to really set the foundation for the future. 🙂
~ Danika
I definitely agree that prayer is a must! I just always prayed for my babies in the evening, at bedtime, and whenever something stood out to me to pray for. I am going to start praying for them when they need to take a break. 🙂 I love being able to take something away from articles I read.
Thank you so much for the comment, Joanna! I appreciate so much hearing that you have found value in something you’ve read here. It’s encouraging. 🙂
Thanks, Danika. Let me think. I find it hard to think of forcing contemplation but perhaps your prayer is what makes the difference. I’m posting tonight about a related subject. Check it out if you can – maybe tomorrow given the time difference, I’m not sure. Take care!
You’re right ~ we can’t force our kids to do anything spiritually. I only think I can allow them the time and encouragement to consult with the Holy Spirit. I will happily read your post. I’d love to hear how you work to reach your child’s heart. 🙂
~ Danika
“If you refuse to participate in our family in a constructive manner, you may not participate in the benefits of the family either. You may sit alone and think.”
I completely agree. We are training up our children to be godly, productive adults, and they need to see that life has consequences. While I’ve never agreed with ‘time-outs’ as we commonly think of them, I myself need time away once in awhile (or more!) to get re-focused and sort out my thoughts. Kids need to be encouraged to exercise self-control and evaluate their behavior. It’s obvious you don’t use this as an isolated ‘tool’, but couple it with biblical instruction, prayer, modeling.
Thanks for the reminder to press on!
Tresta,
Thank you for the comment. I agree that I, myself, occasionally need to take a break from a situation to gather myself, evaluate how I feel, and pray. I think that being able to take that time is an important life skill.
~ Danika
And a repentant heart is the only place to start…so if this space and time away allows the Holy Spirit to work (because only He can produce that kind of heart) then glory to God!
Oh, you are so correct that only the Holy Spirit can produce the heart we desire in our children! 🙂
Fantastic post. It couldn’t have come at a better time for me. I couldn’t agree more, but sometimes I get off-track myself. I had to put myself in time out today. Glad I found your blog 🙂
Excellent! I put myself in time-out all the time! Usually in the bathroom on my knees. 🙂 Thanks for joining us!
~ Danika
This is excellent advice. I’m going to tuck this one away for when my 10-month old starts to advance in years! 🙂 Before having our first and only, I remember hearing people say that the “fun” didn’t really start until they are old enough to talk and talk BACK. I’m sure this is true. But truthfully, my wife and I see first hand how quickly kids begin to learn and find the flow of the household (be it good or bad). It has made us aware, even during our son’s infant stage, of the importance of intentionality in structuring our home for the raising of our son.
I now understand what I’ve always heard my mother say: “It’s never too early to start ‘raising’ your kids. Thanks for this!
Gabriel,
Parenting is a challenge, but we’ve found it to be a joyful, enjoyable one when we focus on keeping Christ first in everything. You are so correct that it’s vital to be intentional in the structuring of our homes. Kids love structure, and they do fit right into the environments we create.
Your mother sounds like a wise woman indeed. I always think the real parenting starts at about 8 or 9 months old. 🙂
Thanks for joining us. I look forward to hearing more about your thoughts on intentionality!
~ Danika
Thank you for your advice. I have a very strong willed 9 year old daughter. We are having a major power struggle. We just started homeschooling 2 1/2 months ago. I am going to try the love and logic approach. It is so true when I ask her to do something she has replied “no”. It is so aggravating and the mother bear attitude comes out. I didn’t see it but it is true if hubby would talk to me in a stern manner I would rebel also. Going to try a different approach. Thanks again.
Sandi,
I’m glad you found something of value. It’s tough switching from an institutional school to a homeschool. I’ve heard people say that it takes a month of transition (and decompression) for every year your child has attended school. The best thing we did was spend a lot of time building (and re-building) our relationships, and expending the energy to communicate our love and concern for our children. The first 6 months or so, we went on a lot of fieldtrips (even if it was just a surprise trip for frozen yogurt, or a walk), fun projects (like measuring out Noah’s ark on our street), and read-alouds (we still love those).
I really like the idea of allowing children some autonomy – the freedom to make choices. Love and Logic does a good job of walking kids through that process.
Thanks for joining us, Sandi!
~ Danika
Great post!
Thanks, Samantha. 🙂
~ Danika
Danika,
Good discussion starter. I find what has worked for us over the years is letting the kids know what is expected of them and also what the consequences will be when the expectations are not met. When my son doesn’t complete homework or has missing assignments, he knows he will not be allowed to play video games over the weekend …which is a huge motivator for him since he’s not allowed to play at all during the week. Since we’ve been consistent with this method, our son has proven himself to be quite capable of doing what is expected of him. Also, I highly agree with Josh McDowell who said, “Rules without relationship equals rebellion.” Our kids know what we expect from them, but I think they also know that deep down inside our expectations for them are generated by our love for them.
Melody,
That’s good advice. I agree that rules AND relationship are vital! Thanks so much for taking the time to share your experience.
~ Danika
Most of the commenters here seem to have very young children. My issue is with a 14 year old. We worked very hard in laying what we believed was a good, consistent foundation of love and discipline and clear expectations. We have always homeschooled. But for the last two years our daughter has become virtually unrecognizable from the child she was. I know that hormones are a factor, but they cannot excuse defiance, disrespect, outright disobedience and meanness to her family. Her behavior has affected our younger children and made them meaner, as well. We’ve tried everything we can think of in response. Nothing seems to work. She just gets angrier. We might achieve compliance, but her heart becomes harder and more closed off. Anytime I take the approach of encouraging her to spend time thinking about her behavior and talking it over with God, I get eye rolls and exasperated sighs. I know it’s a heart issue, but only God can change her heart. I feel powerless and sad.
HI Melinda,
Keep praying! My friend just went through a somewhat similar situation and there has finally been a “crack in the wall” in the attitude. She spent many hours in pray, and asked many others to pray for her DD also. Hang in there. Remember, God’s mercies are new every morning – not just for us, but for our children. 🙂
Melinda,
That’s a really tough situation. You’re right that her age is a factor, but that her heart is the concerning issue here. For us, we pray (a lot) for our kids. God is truly the One who changes hearts. We try to overlook small offenses, especially if the child attempts to make amends or alter their behavior. After all, I snap without meaning to. I expect my children will struggle with sin as well.
To preface this advice, I’ll just let you know that our older children had a traumatic early childhood, so I understand the behavior you’re speaking of.
However, we didn’t allow outright aggression, defiance, or disobedience with our teens (we’re just having our last two enter the teen years now, so I’ll talk about this in the past tense). If our child was unwilling to be civil, they had to do their work away from others (though I don’t think sending a child to his or her room is the best idea–it can be motivating for some kids). We did have the discussion privately with our children (over and over) about how their behavior influenced others, about how it was an act of aggression and (sometimes) verbal violence, about how it wasn’t honoring to God. (Though I was not saved for most of their childhood, I thought I was, and understood morality.)
If I had that situation to walk through again, I would be certain my child was getting regular sleep, regular exercise, and eating well. I’d change the curriculum in our home in whatever way I needed to emphasize godly traits. I would spend more time in the Bible one on one with my daughter, I’d have her read more biographies about women who served Christ (our boys read several a month about godly men), and I’d gear research and writing projects toward godly pursuits. At that age, I’d also begin to have her read Christian living books that were grounded in good theology. Desiring God has some good lists, and many of the new books are short and clear. I would do all of that without explaining the changes. I’d just begin introducing edification that way, through her schoolwork, which you have control over. (If you’re homeschooling her.)
I’d also pull the younger kids aside with my husband and reiterate God’s plan for family, for loving behavior, etc. We’d pray for each other in our struggles, and start a campaign to memorize edifying Scripture.
Ultimately, salvation is of the Lord. If your daughter is His, she will be disciplined by Him. You can pray for Him to call her. But right now, I encourage you to establish (first with your husband and then with her–together) what behavior is absolutely unacceptable, what the consequences will be, and how you’d like her to respond instead. And I’d encourage you to help her renew her mind by reading and studying the Bible and godly materials. Even if that means she drops activities or classes to do so, character is really of the utmost importance here.
I know that you’re probably doing much of this already. I want to acknowledge that. You’re smart, and you love Christ, and I know that. Parenting is painfully, desperately hard sometimes. Remember Paul’s encouragement to Timothy in 1 Timothy 6:12: “Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called and about which you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses.” This parenting thing is a fight, and your kids are your witnesses. Keep fighting. I will be praying for you and for your daughter.
Oh, I also want to encourage you to keep an eye out for the signs of clinical depression. That’s a subject you can research elsewhere, but do consider it as you make changes.